Building Harmony with Others

“I never want to work with that agent! He is such a pain in the neck.”; “Hope you never have to deal with that agent. I had a horrible experience with her”; “It’s a nightmare working with all these new agents”...

Have you ever heard these phrases before? Perhaps you have uttered some of them too. I know I did for a long time. But guess what? In recent years, out of the dozens of transactions there wasn’t one where I had to utilize any of these sentiments. How could that be? Did all of these “bad” agents suddenly disappear, or was I lucky enough not to encounter them? We shall come back to this question, but first let’s dig deeper and see why these kinds of sentiments arise in the first place?

Yes, really! Why do we have conflicts with others? Why do we butt heads? Have you ever thought about that? What causes our negative opinion of others? Let me tell you! It’s not because of how they act. It’s because of how we expect them to act, which is “our way”. We get so frustrated when people don’t act according to our morals and values. We always think our way is the right way and the only way. Oh, boy, and if someone agrees with us on our morals and expectations, then the person with the questionable behavior is immediately charged with heavy convictions of their wrongdoings. In addition, we secretly feel proud that we are not like them and we are just so much better.

Here is a question that you probably never considered. What if we remove “us” and our expectations from the picture? What happens to the behavior of others? If there are no standards to judge them by, can we convict them of anything? Of course not! When there is only observing without judging, when the “me” doesn’t rise with all its morals, the others merely behave as they behave. This point is significant and profound, because it is touching on the subject of selflessness. This is why the more selfless you are, the less conflicts and problems you have, and the more peace you enjoy.

While selflessness is the ultimate solution to conflicts, it’s also by far the most difficult to implement. Why? Because our beliefs, programming and conditioning are so deeply rooted. To be selfless, we would have to completely get over ourselves, and that’s no easy task. It takes time and practice, but it can be done.

Thankfully, there is another path that can help resolve conflicts before they even arise. It is the path of getting to know ourselves and the personality styles of our fellow human beings. You have probably heard of DISC assessment, or similar personality style tests. Have you ever taken one? If not, don’t wait another day because it may be life changing.

In fact, I highly recommend reading a book by Dr. Tony Alessandra “The Platinum Rule”. It was surely an eye opener for me and it has led to better understanding of others, as well as myself. It teaches you how to recognize personality styles using different cues, and how to adapt to them. For example, if you thought someone being abrupt and brief with you meant they didn't like you, now you realize that this is simply the communication style of a “director”, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with them liking or not liking you. How about that for an eye opener? How many conflicts could this realization alone prevent? So please, do yourself a favor and take time to read this book, but more importantly, start practicing what you learn.

With practice, our awareness and the level of understanding others rises. Quite often, you might be able to articulate what they are going to say before they even say it. Ponder about what kind of difference this knowledge can make in your family life and in your relationships, let alone your business!

There is another subtle, but profound shift that happens with understanding and non-judgment. It becomes so much easier to love people, even the ones you thought you could never love. When love starts coloring your actions, the quality of your interactions soars dramatically. You set the stage and the level on which you are going to communicate with others by loving and understanding them as they are. Harmony becomes the norm in your life, and the love that you exude affects everyone you come in contact with.

Back to the question: Did all of these “bad” agents suddenly disappear, or was I lucky enough not to encounter them? At this point, the answer should not surprise you. I found out that they never existed in the first place! They only appeared as such because I didn’t know myself well enough to understand them.

We all long for success, harmony and peace in our lives. Longing alone isn’t enough. We have to move towards them to arrive there. Now you have the directions to your destination. I hope you start your journey today. Have fun along the way!