Happiness in Relationships

How often do you hear of someone complaining about their relationship? “He did this, or she didn’t do that, he was being a jerk, or she just likes to boss me around…” Sound familiar? We hear these kinds of stories all the time. Perhaps we are one of these stories. But is this the norm? It might be a statistical norm but it doesn’t have to be your norm.

We all know some couples that we totally admire. Somehow they always feel harmonious, full of love and respect for each other. There seems to be a subtle, undivided connection between them. Frequent laughs, hugs and other demonstrations of affection surround them. We crave to be in their presence because it just feels good to be around that kind of energy.

So, what is the difference between the two? What sets these couples apart? If our relationship is not of the second type, why not? How can we transform our relationships into happy, loving and harmonious ones?

Before we get the answer, here is a quick caveat! While this article is mainly about the relationships between couples, the same principles apply to all human relationships.

Here goes the frank truth. An imperfect relationship is a battle of two egos. A perfect relationship is a selfless love shared by two people.

Before attempting to start the relationship makeover you must really get to know the person that holds the key to your happiness. That person is you. Start observing yourself. Take an account of the actions and attitudes you bring into this relationship. What motives are your actions based on? The desire to be “first, or more important”, the fear of being unnoticed, unappreciated and hurt? As I’m sure you can sense by now, these motives are potential troublemakers.

The beautiful part is, once you become conscious of your motives and your actions, you are in the driver's seat, ready to turn the wheel to a more desirable destination. Now let’s see what avenues we have to cross in order to get there.

1. Forgive. Ruth Graham once said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” I couldn’t agree more. Arguably, this is the most difficult step for most people to take. Forgiving would feel like dropping a defense mechanism. It would mean you could no longer be the victim. You couldn’t tell stories about how “he or she did this or that to hurt me”. You couldn’t secretly feel good by soliciting empathy from others. And perhaps most importantly, it would feel like a huge blow to the ego. All fair points. But what you don’t know is that with forgiveness, a whole new dimension opens up. You get access to a source of unlimited courage. You will no longer depend one someone else for your happiness. Without true, unconditional and ongoing forgiveness you can’t move on to the next step of relationship makeover.

1. Give. This step is a true paradigm shift. Most of us are programmed “to want, to expect from others, to feel entitled to receive”. This is one of the main sources of disappointment for an obvious reason: we cannot control the actions of others. Consequently, we feel unappreciated and upset when our expectations are not met.The solution is giving, becoming the giver in the relationship. The satisfaction now comes from giving and this has two obvious benefits: 1. When you give, you feel good. 2. You don’t have to depend on someone else to feel good. So, become the giver in the relationship. Give care, give love, give encouragement, give appreciation. Appreciate every little good thing about your partner a 100 fold, and diminish their shortcomings a 100 fold. Show your appreciation through little daily acts. Do this consistently, without any anticipation and expectations. By doing this you keep watering a flower, a flower that’s called relationship.

1. Receive. Deep, deep down in their heart everyone is a good person. Some people have thicker shells covering this goodness than others. By being forgiving and caring we are like woodpeckers breaking into the shell. Depending on the thickness, it may crack open quickly or it may take some time. But when it cracks, you will know. You will start noticing changes in your partner. Listen, listen with your heart. It may be as simple as a kind word that you couldn’t squeeze out of them before, or it may manifest in other forms. But it’s so important to notice, embrace and appreciate this reciprocation. When a person feels appreciated, they want to do more! By the way, the shell you’re trying to break in your partner is the same shell that you had. Only you broke it from the inside by learning to forgive. When both shells get removed you find yourself in a selfless love shared by two people.

Are all relationships destined to blossom through this approach? Probably not. Is it possible that the person you’re with now is not the right one? Is it possible that some shells will not crack? Let’s be realistic. Of course, all of the above are possible. But before deciding to abandon your efforts and breaking up the relationship you know is not the right one for you, observe how you feel. If you are still holding grudges, feeling like a victim then there is a chance that you still contribute to the unhealthiness of this relationship. The next one will probably still be similar to the previous one because of your contribution. However, if you are self-content, peaceful and in a position to wish your partner well, the break up may be the right choice. And you may be sure that the next relationship you attract will be of a different quality because of who you have become.

I do believe to my core that most flowers will bloom with enough watering. Drop off the heavy chains of the ego and start selflessly watering your flower. In the process of watering you will also find the source of the water. And that is the greatest gift!