Pride vs Grace

Years ago I was waiting tables in a restaurant. Occasionally, I would get “high maintenance” customers. You know the type! Condescending demeanor with the sense of superiority over you, “the little waiter”, complaints about every slight imperfection, using every opportunity to showcase their superiority by mentioning what they do, what they have or who they know…Do you know someone like this? There was one particular very wealthy lady, who was a regular. She would get so upset if I tried to refill her coffee. Each refill meant a new cup altogether. Having to drink from a refill…What a nightmare, right?

Then, there is another type. A short, sweet lady walked into the restaurant one day to meet her friends for lunch. She was so easy going, caring, with a good sense of humor. It was a pleasure waiting on their table. I later found out she was the late mayor of Virginia Beach, Meyera Oberndorf. And boy, was I shocked! See, where I came from, the mayor of every little town would only be in public with several bodyguards, a caravan of super-expensive cars and dressed in the most expensive suits . Ordinary mortals had to get out of their way, or else! I was having a hard time grasping that this simple, kind and gracious lady was the mayor of the largest city in Virginia. Nevertheless, I was so impressed and floored by her humility. It felt good to be around her.

Do you wonder what the motivating factors were for each of these behaviors? Let’s solve the puzzle! In the first case, it was pride. In the second case it was grace.

Now, let’s dig a little deeper into each. What is pride? Isn’t it a good thing? Aren’t we taught to be proud of our achievements and achievements of our loved ones? Is it wrong to do so? The answer hangs on one attribute of pride which divides it into 2 categories - healthy and unhealthy.

It’s the sense of superiority. This sense of superiority is a double edged sword. It is always tied to something, either wealth, social position, strength, beauty, possessions, achievements, titles, etc. Is your intuition starting to show you the other edge of the sword? First, all of the above are transitory. What happens to this proud person if they lose their wealth, possessions, grow old and lose the body looks, etc.? What happens when they come across someone who is wealthier, looks better, has a higher position? What happens to their identity? Suffering, and in extreme cases - suicide. How many stories have you heard of wealthy and famous people taking their own lives after losing their “self-worth” that was tied up outside of them? Obviously, this is an example of “unhealthy pride”.

Now let’s turn to “healthy pride”. It’s perfectly fine to feel proud of accomplishments when the sense of superiority is absent. You are proud of something you or your loved ones have achieved, regardless if others have done better or worse. You are happy with what you have and you don’t need to compare it to what others have or don’t have. When you see your agent ranking, you feel proud of what you’ve done without giving any weight to how much better or worse your fellow agents have done. This is “healthy pride”. This cannot come back and bite you because it’s source is within you and not outside of you.

We have arrived at a decent understanding of pride, I hope! You may ask: “How should we deal with the people that are acting with “unhealthy pride” towards us?” Great question. I admit, it can be difficult. Our initial impulse is to strike back, show them their place, demonstrate how we don’t care about “who they know”. Let’s hurt them smack in the same place where they try to hurt us - the ego.

Let me know how that approach works out for you! There is a way better way.

Remember, that underneath all the pride there is a human. Realize the fragility of the people whose self-worth is tied to external things. Replace the resentment with compassion and understanding.

Remember the lady with the fresh coffee cup? Each time they were back, I didn’t wait for her to ask for it, but I would bring her a freshly brewed cup. Not only that, I did it with a smile and genuine compliments. After a few visits, she would give me a hug as soon as they walked in, she would request that only I wait on their table and they always left disproportionately large tips. But the best part was that we had made a genuine human to human connection, past all the layers of the ego. Now imagine, if the outcome would have been the same if I had snapped at her when she asked for a fresh cup after the delivery of a perfectly fine one just 2 minutes earlier!

See, here is the secret. The ego thrives on opposition, conflicts and resentment. When you don’t fight the ego, you don’t feed the ego, it dissolves into the true human nature, which is perfect in its essence.

Now, let’s turn our attention to grace, or humility. True humility is one of the most beautiful things in the world. It is also one of the most powerful things. The core of humility is selflessness, and what is selflessness but “egolessness”. It is most liberating! It is the best defense because it doesn’t need any defense. It is focused on the good for others. It is a source of endless giving and not only it doesn’t run out, but it grows the more you give. It is a pillar of happiness for yourself and others. Imagine meeting someone extraordinarily successful, famous and powerful, having every right to have a high opinion of themselves, but when you meet them, they turn out to be the most humble, genuine and easy going people with an uplifting sense of humor. How do you feel about them? Think Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr, Nelson Mandela, Albert Einstein, Mother Teresa…Do you think their ego was the source of their immense power and love? Indeed, the source was the absence of their ego. And that’s why their timeless love and legacy remain with us long after they are gone.

So, here you are today. Which motive is going to be running your life moving forward? Pride or grace?