The Magic of Understanding Others

“This is ridiculous! Your buyers are getting a great deal and I’m not letting my sellers spend another penny on the repairs. I have been in the business for 40 years and I’m telling you that we’re not doing any repairs. I can’t believe your buyers have the nerve to ask us to pay for them. It’s simply frustrating!” An angry agent at the other end of the phone was pretty much screaming at me. The issue involved a $200 termite repair that the sellers were clearly obligated to pay for, according to the contract.

What would your reaction be? What would you have done if you were me? Argue? Threaten to call your lawyer? Have your broker call their broker? Ask him to read the contract again? When you know you’re right it’s very hard not to argue to prove your point. Wouldn’t you agree?

In today’s fast-paced, low attention span, technology filled world it’s so easy to miss what’s really important. Do we really make an effort to understand others, to see their point, to understand the true cause of the problem? Half the time we listen but we don’t hear, and at the same time we don’t feel that we are getting heard. That’s how most conflicts arise.

Stephen Covey in his most famous book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” described this point beautifully: “If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Boy! This principle was not only a huge eye opener for me, but without an overstatement, it was a total life-changer! Why is this approach not common then? Why do most people rather argue endlessly?

That’s because something gets in the way. What is it? We are! Our ego is! It’s our desire to be right, to prove right, to teach others a lesson. There is pleasure in bragging to someone else about how we “set someone straight” by using our power and superiority. Is this a way to resolve a conflict?

Yes, that is one way to handle disagreements, by using sheer force, authority, titles, social position, etc. But is this the best way? How does it leave others feeling about you? What are the chances of them wanting to cooperate in the future? Or better yet, what are the chances of them wanting to go out of their way in the future to help you, oftentimes without you even asking?

There is a much better, perhaps less common, but nevertheless far more superior, integrous and life changing way to handle arguments, resolve disagreements and build lifelong relationships. The foundation pillars for this method are humility, compassion and good will.

The most difficult step in this method is overcoming the biggest obstacle - ourselves, our habits of reacting, our instincts and programmed responses. Just as surely as we have been programmed, we can be unprogrammed and reprogrammed. All that’s needed is commitment, patience and perseverance. With these attitudes incredible results can’t help but follow!

So, how do we start making use of this magical method?

1. Learn to get to the root of the problem. That can only be accomplished by intense, empathic listening and sincere desire to understand. This is truly one of the hardest skills to acquire and master, but it's’ surely worth it. Empathic listening gets easier with practice. When you have truly heard someone, you will understand the issue at hand. Not infrequently, it has nothing to do with what you thought the main issue was.

1. Don’t offer a solution until the other person is convinced that they have been heard. They must feel assured that you completely understand their point of view. A good way to demonstrate your understanding is echoing, which means repeating their statements in the form of a question (e.g. “That price is too high for the repairs!” - “OK, so you think the price is too high for the repairs?”) Another approach is paraphrasing and expressing in simplified form what they are saying. (e.g. “So, you think the repairs shouldn’t cost so much”). Sometimes, after letting off steam and feeling that they’ve been heard, they will come up with the solution you were hoping for on their own. Other times you will find another win-win solution.

1. Don’t mind a compromise. There will be times when the solution may involve a seeming short term loss on your behalf, but an immeasurably higher long term gain. One form of this gain is trust and solid relationships. Never forget that lasting success is built on strong, lasting relationships. Why would we want to win a petty argument at the risk of losing an important relationship? And who is to decide which relationships are unimportant?

This approach is truly transformative. You may be concerned about looking weak, not fighting back, not winning, not serving justice etc. When those thoughts arise, you may be sure that it’s your ego speaking. Leave the ego alone. Know with full conviction that not only is this not a weakness, but it’s the highest form of courage, strength and self-confidence. Only the most courageous people are able to overcome their biggest opponents - themselves. People who have conquered themselves, have conquered the world. That in itself is an achievement of a lifetime. But it doesn’t end there.

It brings magic into your life. Applying this understanding in your family life - with your spouse, your children, your parents and siblings leads to synergy, mutual understanding and happiness. You will grow as a person.No matter what business you’re in, you will exponentially excel, because you will build a reputation of someone who understands and cares about others and you will have no hard time attracting people and opportunities to you. Don’t these benefits supply enough motivation to give this method a try?

Back to my conversation with the listing agent. I let him finish his rant and in the calmest voice possible I uttered one sentence. “I will pay for these repairs”. There was silence on the other end. I waited. I could tell that this is not what he was expecting. “I am so sorry,” he went on. “I apologize, I didn't mean to go off on you like this. It’s just that I’m already making a major financial sacrifice to make this deal work and I just didn’t think it was fair”. “Aha!” I thought to myself. “So that was the source of his frustration”. I continued “I totally understand, my friend! No worries. $200 is not worth the headache for me, you, the buyer or the seller. It’s a small price to pay to make everyone happy and I’m happy to pay it!”

How do you think my next transaction will go with this agent?